Movie Review – Battleship (2012)

What do you get when you combine a massive amount of CGI, an unoriginal plot, and just about every politically correct cliché in today’s military-themed movies?

The answer, folks, is the action-filled and utterly craptastic movie, Battleship.

Yes, it seems that not even simple board games are safe from the clutches of Hollywood.  Unfortunately, this really isn’t a surprise these days.  Oh well.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Battleship begins in 2005 as a dorky scientist at NASA announces the discovery of an Earth-like planet outside of our solar system.  They blast out a signal to the planet using a massive communication array and further boosted via satellites in outer space.  Gee, I hope the extraterrestrials can not only receive the signals in a timely manner, but also understand them and their origins and pay us a peaceful visit.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

It’s also back in 2005 that we’re introduced to the stars of this fine film.  Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch) tries to hook up with Samantha Shane (played by Brooklyn Decker) in a painfully cheesy segment.  After failing to buy her a chicken burrito and then breaking into a convenience store and being tasered by the police, Alex Hopper gets some sense talked into him by his older brother, Navy Commander Stone Hopper (played by Alexander Skarsgard).  Not only is Stone pissed about his little brother’s slacker mentality, but the woman he was trying to score was Admiral Shane’s (played by Liam Neeson) daughter.  Admiral Shane is Stone’s commanding officer in the fleet.

So what does Stone do to turn around Alex’s slacker ways?

He makes him join the U.S. Navy!  Not only to join the Navy, but also become an officer as well.  Hooray!

Fast forward to 2012.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Now Alex Hopper is a lieutenant (somehow he made it through officer candidate school), the Tactical Action Officer on board the USS John Paul Jones destroyer, and in love with Samantha Shane.  He wants to ask Admiral Shane’s permission to marry his daughter.  That is, as long as he doesn’t get kicked out of the Navy for his continued bad behavior.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

The RIMPAC (Rim of the Pacific Exercise) naval exercises are taking place in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Hawaii, and many naval ships are ready to take part.  Admiral Shane is commanding the fleet on board the USS Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier, and Commander Stone Hopper is in command of the USS Sampson destroyer.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Just as the naval exercises are about to begin, alien spacecraft are arriving in the Earth’s upper atmosphere.  One of the spacecraft hits a satellite and crashes into Hong Kong, but the others crash land in the Pacific Ocean right next to the naval vessels.  It seems that NASA’s call in 2005 has finally been answered.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

The Sampson, John Paul Jones and a Japanese destroyer investigate the crash.  Lieutenant Alex Hopper leads a small crew as they attempt to make contact with the mysterious vessel.  The attempt fails, and the alien spaceships create a massive force field around the three destroyers and the Hawaiian islands.  Admiral Shane and the rest of his ships are trapped outside of the energy barrier.

Oh no!

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

There’s no communication through the force field.  The admiral can only watch as an F-18 Hornet flies into the barrier and crashes.  He orders his ships to load their weapons and stand by to fire them.

Gee, I hope the aliens aren’t too pissed after the watery landing following their ten trillion mile flight through outer space.  What’s this?  The aliens are fighting with glorified solid-fuel missiles with powerful explosives and not some fancy outer space ray gun?  They can travel across incredible distances in the universe, but their weapons can be shot down with our modern Navy.  How about that? 

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

The aliens first target and attack the John Paul Jones.  Most of the projectiles are shot down by the destroyer’s guns, but one of the missiles lands on the ship’s deck and explodes.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Lieutenant Hopper has his small boat circle around the alien ship while Petty Officer Raikes (played by Rihanna) fires at it with a machine gun.  Yeah, those small bullets will stop the incredibly powerful spaceship that’s capable of traveling across the galaxy and also carries incredibly advanced and powerful weapons.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

This attack is merely a distraction while the USS Sampson fires upon the aliens.  The aliens quickly take note and fire a quick salvo of missiles at the Sampson.  Most of them are shot down by the Sampson‘s guns, so the aliens shoot a second salvo of missiles at the ship.  Pretty much all of these missiles strike home and Lieutenant Hopper watches as his brother’s ship, the USS Sampson, is obliterated in a tremendous explosion.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Upon arriving at the USS John Paul Jones from his little speedboat, Lieutenant Alex Hopper learns that the ship’s commanding officer and executive officer were both killed, and now a mere lieutenant is in command of the entire ship.  This must have been confusing for the aliens as well as they didn’t bother to attack and sink the John Paul Jones during this time.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

The two remaining destroyers decide to attack the four alien ships.  The Japanese destroyer is attacked and destroyed by the aliens, leaving the John Paul Jones as the sole attack ship.  A suicidal Alex Hopper wants to ram his ship into one of the alien ships.  His crew persuades him to cancel the kamikaze attack and instead pick up survivors in the water.  The aliens know that the destroyer is an attack ship, but since it changes course to pick up survivors, the aliens decide NOT to attack and, presumably, easily destroy it.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Taking pre-emptive measures, the aliens launch an attack on the Hawaiian islands, using these weird but incredibly destructive “grinding balls” to wipe out a Marine Corps base and an interstate full of cars.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Back on the John Paul Jones, somehow the crew has captured a humanoid alien, and they’re holding it in a storage area inside the ship.  It looks like the alien is unconscious, but when the remove its helmet and Alex shines a light into its eyes, the alien wakes and attacks the crew.  The alien’s friends blast a hole into the ship and rescue their captured companion.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Another alien infiltrates the ship, and the crew has to hunt the space creature.  The crew’s light firearms have no effect on the alien’s armor.  The alien follows Alex onto the upper deck of the ship, and Raikes uses one of the powerful deck guns to kill the alien and blast its body into the water.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

On Oahu, it’s discovered that the aliens are using the communications array to communicate with their home planet.  Or at least they’re trying to do so.  It’s assumed that the aliens are going to call back home for reinforcements so they can easily conquer the planet.

On the USS John Paul Jones, sailing peacefully and not under attack since it’s not pointing any weapons at the alien spaceships, the crew discovers that the aliens are probably sensitive to sunlight.  So far this is only assumed because a crew member puts on an alien’s helmet and notices how well it blocks the sunlight.  There’s no telling if the sophisticated helmet was actually designed for any other purpose.

That night on Oahu, one of the scientists informs Samantha Shane (she’s been on the mountain helping a wounded veteran learn how to walk with prosthetic legs) that a deep-space communication satellite is going to be in position over the array in about four hours.  It’s there once every twenty-four hours.  Once it’s in position, the aliens will be able to contact their home planet.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

On the John Paul Jones, the crew discovers that they can use the NOAA’s tsunami warning buoys to track the alien ships as they move above and below the water.  On the screen it looks just like the game Battleship.  Hey, how about that?  The crew locates an alien ship and attacks it with surface-to-surface missiles.  The missiles miss and, oddly enough, the aliens do not fire back.  The destroyer fires again at new coordinates but it’s another miss!

Two alien ships finally fire at the John Paul Jones.  The destroyer goes into reverse and dodges the incoming fire.  The destroyer’s crew finally figures out that the aliens are traveling in straight directions, and this time they fire at coordinates where the aliens will appear next.  This bleeding obvious strategy works and two alien ships are destroyed by our inferior weapons.

There’s a short break in the electrical frequency with the aliens’ force field, and Samantha is able to send a message to Alex Hopper.  She warns him about the deep-space satellite and that they really need to find a way to destroy the aliens before they can contact their home planet.  While this is taking place, the crew detects another alien ship on the tsunami warning buoy system.  This time Alex decides to head to Oahu and the shallow water, forcing the aliens to stay above water.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

This technique works and the third alien ship stays above water.  The morning sun rises over the horizon, and Alex and his companion use sniper rifles to shoot open the windows on the alien’s ship.  Yeah, this really happened in the film.  Sunlight then floods he interior of the ship and some of the aliens die.  As the rest of the aliens on that ship are distracted, the USS John Paul Jones fires EVERYTHING (torpedoes, missiles and all sorts of guns) at the alien ship.  All of that firepower destroys the third ship.  Oddly enough, it only took a pair of missiles to destroy each of the other alien ships.

Let’s not forget that the alien’s mothership is still out there.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Out of nowhere come a pair of those “grinding balls” weapons, and they shred and tear apart the USS John Paul Jones.  There’s no saving the destroyer.  It quickly sinks into the Pacific Ocean and the crew are forced to abandon ship.

The survivors use their emergency rafts and head to Oahu.  At the naval base, Alex Hopper sees the USS Missouri battleship and gets an idea.  He wants to make the ship operational and use it as a weapon.  And the crew of the battleship?  The crew will include the World War 2 and Korea War veterans that served on the ship years ago.  They were in town for a small ceremony that took place on the ship earlier in the film.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” plays as the crew quickly transforms the USS Missouri from a museum ship to a combat vehicle.  Fortunately everything in the ship appears to work just fine, and she’s even outfitted with live ammunition and the gunpowder bags to fire the BIG guns.  What a stroke of luck!  I mean, the ship has only been a museum ship since 1998, some fourteen years before the events in this film.  The Missouri heads out to sea in search of the final alien spaceship.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

The alien mothership spots the incoming battleship and the final battle begins.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

Alex Hopper uses some fancy maneuvering to dodge the first salvo of missiles from the alien mothership.  The battleship then opens fire with its 16″ shells and attacks the alien ship.  The aliens fire back and the Missouri takes some serious damage, but it stays afloat and operational.  Another round of firing by the battleship causes major damage to the alien spaceship.

The damage knocks out the force field, exposing the alien mothership to the rest of the naval fleet.  Once the force field is down, Admiral Shane orders all of his strike aircraft into the air.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

On Oahu, the aliens notice that the satellite is almost in place.  They prepare the communications array and start sending their message to their home planet.  Alex Hopper sees this and chooses to fire his last 16″ shell at the communications array.  It works and the aliens on Hawaii are destroyed.

Battleship (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures

In the ocean, the alien’s mothership is crippled by not destroyed.  It fires more weapons at the defenseless battleship.  Just as it’s about to be attacked, the weapons are shot out of the sky by a pair of F-18 fighters.  More F-18’s show up and destroy the rest of the spaceship, destroying the rest of the aliens.

Victory!

The USS Missouri returns to port.  Later there’s an award ceremony to those soldiers and sailors who showed bravery and courage during the alien attack.  Lieutenant Alex Hopper is promoted to the rank of lieutenant commander, and he receives the Silver Star.  He accepts his brother’s posthumous Navy Cross award.

Battleship ends with Alex Hopper asking Admiral Shane’s permission to marry his daughter.  Admiral Shane refuses but he invites Alex to lunch to discuss it further.

A scene post-credits shows some school kids in Scotland discovering something that made a crash landing in a field.  It’s some kind of container.  They try to open it with sticks but fail.  A maintenance worker notices them and he uses his tools to help open the container.  It takes a lot of work but they finally open it.  Out pops an alien and everybody runs away screaming.

Is Battleship a good film?

Nope.  Not by a long shot.

This is a Navy propaganda film mixed with a science-fiction / alien invasion story straight out of a ten-year-old’s dream.  It’s a story full of plot holes, fairly lame characters, way too much CGI, and some pretty poor dialogue.

Apparently only a couple of people on the John Paul Jones are allowed to fight once the very human-like aliens visit the ship.  Lieutenant Alex Hopper must also be part Navy SEAL.  Petty Officer Raikes can not only sit and monitor a radar screen in the tactical control room, but she can operate a speedboat, handle machine guns like a special forces soldier, AND she can operate the USS John Paul Jones‘s weapon systems.

Now that’s a well trained crew!  It’s too bad that you don’t really see any other crew members when the aliens visit the ship.  Those extra sailors could have really been helpful in those fight scenes.

What’s weird with the aliens is that despite being able to travel across the stars and visit other planets, apparently the aliens themselves are quite primitive and capable of getting their asses kicked by even more primitive weapons.  We’re not talking about oxygen beating an alien invasion force.  The aliens wear full body and pressure suits (complete with mega sunglasses), but those suits and their spacecraft are quite vulnerable to most kinds of physical attacks, from blunt objects to projectiles.

In other words, the whole “invasion force” could be attacked and destroyed with ordinary weapons.  That is, as long as the weapons are inside of the magical force field.  The USS John Paul Jones single-handedly destroys a few of the alien ships during a night battle within the force field.  Perhaps the so-called “smart” beings from space should have put their incredible knowledge of space flight into some better protection and shielding.  Or maybe Hollywood could have at least tried a little bit harder to give us a good science-fiction story instead of this dumbed down crapfest known as Battleship.

Don’t even get me started on the whole, “Let’s gather some retirees and fire up the USS Missouri and kick some alien ass!”  No, no, no!  That’s a bad Hollywood!  BAD HOLLYWOOD!  This movie was bad enough without the reactivation and suddenly combat capable battleship entering the scene.  Then again, this two-hour waste of time is known as Battleship, and the only real battleship we see isn’t until the end of the movie.  About 80% of the film has DESTROYERS in the combat scenes.

Battleship feels like Hollywood took bits and pieces of mediocre movies and stuffed them together, along with politically correct clichés, into this incredibly lame movie.  It’s easy to see the connections to Independence Day, and the whole young officer suddenly in charge and leading the alien ship towards shore is straight from U-571.  Lt. Alex Hopper’s Spider-Man-like crawl up the deck of the sinking John Paul Jones (and his escape from the ship, almost like Titanic) is just hilariously bad.  The rest of the movie feels like a Navy propaganda film gone wrong.

Thank God for AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” song being played while the retirees and few survivors of the John Paul Jones got the battleship USS Missouri operational again.  AC/DC managed to save the movie Battleship from being a complete and utter failure.  It’s still a horrible movie, but that brief sequence was barely enjoyable thanks to some solid rock music.

I’m guessing that the biggest fans of the movie will be kids of middle school age.  Most adults will be scratching their heads to the massive number of plot holes and incredibly bad lines of dialogue.  The kiddies, however, will love the explosions and “creative” editing censoring some of the swearing.

Battleship (2012) – movie trailer

What started as a classic board game challenging to children and adults has been transformed and made into a laughing stock by the so-called creative minds in Hollywood.  Perhaps next time the people in Hollywood will find more success with Checkers or Connect Four.

As far as Battleship, this movie was clearly sunk in the first ten minutes of the film.  It’s all LOOKS and absolutely NO substance.  Be very weary about spending any time or money on this film.

Lt. Alex Hopper:  “We’ve got a battleship.”

Captain Nagata:  “Are you crazy?  That’s a museum!”

Lt. Alex Hopper:  “Not today.”

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NOTE – The screenshots were added after Battleship was released to DVD.