Movie Review – Ted (2012)
What do you get when the creator of the cartoon shows “Family Guy” and “American Dad!” makes a live-action movie?
Not only does the creator of the shows make a live-action movie, but he also brings along some of the same cast members and most of the old jokes with him.
The answer is 2012′s comedy movie, Ted. Directed, co-produced, co-written, and starring as the voice of the vulgar and obnoxious teddy bear is Seth MacFarlane. In “Family Guy,” MacFarlane also provides the voices for the father, Peter Griffin, the family’s dog, Brian, and the family’s toddler, Stewie Griffin. MacFarlane also provides the voice for Stan Smith, the father of the family, in “American Dad!”
Ted also stars Mark Wahlberg as John Bennett, Ted’s best friend. Mila Kunis (voice of Meg Griffin in “Family Guy”) plays the role of Lori Collins, an office worker and John’s steady girlfriend. Patrick Warburton (voice of Officer Joe Swanson in “Family Guy”) has a small role as John’s co-worker, and Ted is narrated by Patrick Stewart (assorted voice roles in “Family Guy,” voice of CIA Deputy Director Avery Bullock in “American Dad!”).
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Ted begins in Boston, Massachusetts, as a lonely boy, John Bennett, wishes he had a friend. On Christmas morning, John is thrilled when he receives a teddy bear as a gift from his parents. He likes the bear so much that he wishes it was real. Sure enough, the teddy bear (named Ted) comes to life one day and quickly becomes John’s friend. His parents are startled at first by the walking and talking teddy bear, but they overcome their fears. John has a best friend for life, and Ted quickly becomes a famous celebrity.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Fast forward to today.
John (Mark Wahlberg) is an assistant manager at a car rental company. Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane), on the other hand, is nothing but a waste of space. Instead of using his fame back in the 1980s to do something with his life, the teddy bear instead chooses to smoke weed and get high each day. John frequently joins him and continues getting high despite the strain it’s putting on his job and his relationship with Lori, John’s long-time girlfriend.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Lori Collins (Mila Kunis) is an office worker who is wondering if her relationship with John can advance to the next level despite his obsessions with Ted. Her co-workers want Lori to make John choose between her and Ted. Lori fears that her boyfriend might choose to hang out with his teddy bear friend instead of moving on with her. Meanwhile, Lori’s boss, Rex (Joel McHale), keeps hitting on Lori and trying to convince her to go out on a date with him.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
John takes Lori out to the fanciest restaurant in town for their fourth anniversary of being together. The two of them have flashbacks of how they first met at a dance club. While one of the scenes is a spoof from Saturday Night Fever, this is clearly a rip-off from the same exact scene in 1980′s comedy, Airplane! Perhaps MacFarlane was trying to show the audience what a *real* comedy movie looks like.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
When Lori and John return to their apartment, they discover Ted getting high with four prostitutes. To make matters worse, one of the prostitutes literally took a dump on the floor during a challenge in the game, Truth or Dare. Ted finally sees Lori’s frustrations with Ted and asks Ted to move out of the apartment. Unfortunately for Ted, this means that he now has to support himself and get a job. He dresses in a suit and applies for a job at a local grocery store. Despite being rude and vulgar to the store’s manager, Ted is hired to work a cash register.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
After Ted is hired at the grocery store, he and John head to the park to smoke some pot. Ted poses for a picture with some ladies (even putting his paw on a girl’s breast), and then he and John sit on a bench. As they’re about to start smoking, the two of them are approached by Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) and his rude and demented son, Robert. Donny explains that he’s been a fan of Ted’s since he appeared on “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.” Donny tries to buy Ted for his son, but John refuses. We know that we haven’t seen the last of Donny or Robert.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Ted now has his own place and it looks like John and Lori’s relationship has stabilized. The only problem is that John is still spending too much time at Ted’s apartment. He skips work and comes up with lame excuses to see Ted and get high on weed. Things become tense when John and Lori have dinner with Ted and his co-worker / girlfriend, Tami-Lynn. Lori and Tami-Lynn have an argument, and Lori is upset when John doesn’t defend her. She gives John one more chance to be there for her and having an honest relationship.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Lori and John are invited to a party thrown by her boss, Rex. Rex takes the time to show off his immense wealth to John, who really isn’t impressed. Things take a turn though when John receives a phone call from Ted. He can’t resist the temptation and answers the call. Ted tells John that he’s also having a party and that John needs to get there ASAP. Sam Jones is there. The same Sam Jones who played the title character in the iconic 1980 sci-fi movie Flash Gordon, the one movie that John and Ted have idolized since their youth. John leaves Lori at Rex’s party and races across town to Ted’s apartment.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
John arrives at Ted’s party. Sure enough, Sam Jones is there, and he wants to party. The three of them drink shots, snort cocaine, and go wild. The party becomes crazier as Ted plays with a knife along with a party goer’s hand (think of what Bishop does to Hudson (Bill Paxton’s character) in Aliens), and then he sings karaoke for the ladies. At one point Sam Jones accidentally punches a hole in the wall into the neighbor’s apartment. They fight with the Asian man while Ted tries to fight with the Asian man’s duck, but loses.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
As John finally leaves Ted’s party, Lori is waiting for him outside. She dumps John and takes off in her car. John is bewildered and blames Ted for Lori leaving him. John then leaves, leaving Ted standing there alone outside of his apartment building.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Ted visits John one night in his hotel room to tell him that Lori is going on a date with Rex to the Hatch Shell (a concert venue). John is still blaming Ted for Lori leaving him, and he tells Ted that he wished he received a Teddy Ruxpin toy instead of him. This infuriates Ted, and he and John have a massive fight in the hotel room. The fight ends when the TV falls and lands on John’s crotch. To make it up, Ted tells John that he’ll talk to Norah Jones (playing herself) and get him a spot on stage to impress Lori.
They go to the concert and Norah Jones allows John to go on stage to sing a song for Lori. He does so, but his performance is terrible. It ends with somebody from the audience trying to climb the stage and fight him, but John kicks him in the face. Rex also makes fun of John, but Lori is still touched by John’s actions. She leaves Rex in the parking lot and heads home alone.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Ted visits with Lori and convinces her to go down to the local diner to meet with John. He tells her that if she does so, then he’ll leave the two of them alone forever. She does so. Ted is still in Lori’s apartment when there’s a knock on the door. He answers it and is promptly kidnapped by Donny and his son, Robert.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Ted is kidnapped and taken to Donny’s house. Once there, he’s taken upstairs to “play” with Robert. As we see, Robert is a demented kid who enjoys torturing Ted for misbehaving. Ted plays hide-and-seek with Robert, and he tries to call John for help when Robert is counting. Ted’s plans are thwarted when Donny disconnects the phone line. John heard enough of the phone conversation to realize what’s happening and who did it. John and Lori race across town to Donny’s house to rescue Ted.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
John and Lori arrive just as Donny, Robert and the kidnapped Ted are driving away. They chase the kidnappers and Ted tries to break free of the car. He almost makes it, but Donny slams on the brakes and sends Ted flying back into his car. Donny and Robert drive away, but their car crashes on a side street.
Ted flees on foot into a baseball stadium. Donny chases the teddy bear while John and Lori chase Donny. John knocks out Robert with a sucker punch and follows Donny into the baseball stadium. Ted climbs a structure to evade Donny, but he slips. Donny grabs Ted’s legs and the teddy bear rips in half. Ted falls to the ground and John and Lori race to grab his stuffing. They take Ted back to their apartment, but Lori is unable to sew him back together in time. The magic that brought Ted to life vanishes, and the teddy bear is just another broken toy.
That night, Lori sees a shooting star and makes a silent wish. The next morning Ted is alive. He pretends to be a stroke victim, but it’s just a joke. The three of them make up their differences for a happy ending to the movie.
Ted (2012) – (c) Universal Pictures
Ted ends with John and Lori being married by none other than Sam Jones. Ted accepts his lifestyle of no longer living with John, and Patrick Stewart’s voice tells us what happened to the other minor characters.
Can Ted finally handle living on his own, away from John? He couldn’t do it before and his repeated actions caused the breakup between John and Lori. The movie ends with us questioning whether Ted really can live without John as a roommate.
So is Ted any good?
My answer is NOPE! Not by a long shot.
My main problem with Ted is that it’s basically a live-action version of “Family Guy.” Substitute John for Peter Griffin, Ted for Brian the dog (both are voiced by the same exact person — How about that?), and Peter’s wife Lois for Lori. Throw in the fact that two of the three main stars from Ted are heavily involved with “Family Guy,” and there you go.
The connection between Brian the dog in “Family Guy” and Ted the teddy bear was way too obvious. In “Family Guy,” Brian is a talking dog who commonly walks on two legs and is an active member of society. The people in town don’t seem to mind that this ONE dog is able to walk and talk like a human being. He also smokes a LOT of weed, likes to get drunk, and has sex with women. In Ted, this is repeated almost exactly, substituting a dog for a teddy bear.
Ted also seems to repeat the same style of stoner jokes and other vulgar references common in “Family Guy.” MacFarlane’s love affair with Flash Gordon was already made into a “Family Guy” joke or two YEARS ago. The only new thing is that we actually see Sam Jones this time. Then again, it’s not like Jones’s schedule was too busy to appear for a cameo in a major motion picture.
Hell, even the scene with Robert tearing off Ted’s ear was also in “Family Guy.” “Family Guy” has an episode where Stewie creates an evil version of himself. That evil version cuts off Brian’s tail with a knife and tries to choke the dog. And we’re supposed to be shocked to see the same exact style of violence play out against a live teddy bear in Ted?
There’s even a flashback scene like they’re so fond of doing in “Family Guy.” In Ted, John and Lori flash back to when they first met on the dance floor. One version of it tries to spoof Saturday Night Fever, but the way they do it in Ted is straight out of Airplane! Is Ted trying to spoof a spoof, or are they hoping that the audience hasn’t seen any movies prior to this one?
The storyline involving Rex and Lori was inadequate at best. There’s basically no back story about her boss and his supposed previous attempts at seducing Lori (or any other woman for that matter). It’s like, “Here’s her boss. He’s rich but still a jerk. He tries to go out with this hot girl. They finally do and she promptly dumps him. The end. BTW, he’s still a jerk.” And this is supposed to pass as a story these days? Maybe it could if the audience is as stoned as John and Ted.
Ted (2012) – movie trailer
Ted is nothing but a stoner film, and it’s a pretty lousy one at that. Perhaps it could have had closer to original content had “Family Guy” not been on TV first. Sadly, Ted and “Family Guy” are one in the same, and Ted comes up lacking compared to the rude and vulgar cartoon show. It’s that severe lack of originality that knocks down the overall rating for the movie.
If you want to watch a significantly better stoner comedy, I highly recommend 2004′s Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Ted, on the other hand, FAILS by a long shot.
Narrator (Patrick Stewart) – “Now if there’s one thing you can be sure of, it’s that nothing is more powerful than a young boy’s wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.”